I have been deep into discernment, dear readers, while in the midst of preparing my home for possible flooding. There have been moments of tense moving of my daughter’s things out of her bedroom while watching the river rising out of my front window. There were times that I sat motionless in my kitchen staring out into the yard wondering if we had completed all that needed to be done if we were evacuated deep into the night. I educated myself on all the city leaders had to offer and felt protected….to a point….to the point that was left in the Hands of God. All of this was being done as my husband and I were being forced to have conversations about trying to sell our home and moving; conversations where we talked about all the changes we have made to alter our way of living to accommodate my being unemployed and now with the end of that in site, consideration of our home’s equity and possible jobs away from here. We have prepared, we have used our resources, and now we have been brought…to a point…to the Hands of God.
Suffering comes in many forms. Sometimes it comes in the form of illness or abuse recognizable and visible to the eye. Other times it occurs in the dark, in the aloneness that accompanies poor decisions or grieving. Sometimes it sits within the unknowing, the uncertainty as to which direction to go in. This week we enter into the remembrance of Christ’s suffering, Holy Week for us Christians. We are brought through liturgy and sacrament to those times in Christ’s life where He endured the suffering brought on by our human frailty and sinfulness. He did all of this with the vision of how it could have been, should have been if man/woman had not tried to do it all alone, without God and His knowledge of everything. He did it so that we might live a life that not only included suffering but had the revelation of Resurrection; a life impacted by the knowledge that God is with us and available for us when we get to those “points” of having done everything “humanly” possible and now need the enlightenment of the Divine to give us the strength and courage to move forward.
One way we can enter into that enlightenment is through “discernment”. Discernment is an intentional time of prayer, study, and community that takes an intimate look at our lives at a particular point in time and is driven by the unquenchable desire to seek God’s Will. It is a holy time of working towards deepening our relationship with God and uncovering His Revelation for us. I teach discernment and I am in discernment. It makes for a profound situation in my life. I truly with all my heart want to do the Will of God and yet I have this “picture” of how I want or how I feel I need that to look. It is a picture painted by many people over the course of my lifetime and I am now the artist of the moment. My choice of color and brush stroke, creativity or copy, scenic or figurative are all my selections to make. I have the canvas and palette in front of me and it is my lack of courage to turn myself more into a vessel of discovery that holds me back.
So, here I sit today, in the holiness of discernment. God is with me. There is solitude and love. I will need to make a decision soon or feel the effects of my unwillingness to change. I am being called to be more authentically who He made me to be. Maybe today will be the day. Maybe at 8 p.m. my soul will sing with the rejoicing of my surrender and my paintbrush will fly. For now, we sit together my King and I. He knows I struggle and yet He keeps telling me “Who made the stars, Jennifer? Who was it that told the snow when to fall? Who died and rose so that you could live a life of happiness and peace?” Like Job I need to re-member myself and know that God is God and I am not. He is the Master Painter and I am the beloved canvas. My soul knows there is only one way…..
